Trauma: How our past shapes our present
By Sarah Claire Colling, LMHC, QS
Trauma is not just something that happened to us long ago—it is something that lives in our bodies, shapes our thoughts, and influences our relationships today. When clients come to therapy, they often feel confused about their reactions:
“Why do I shut down in conflict?”
“Why do I always feel like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop?”
“Why do I push love away, even when I want it?”
These struggles may feel like personality flaws or weaknesses, but they’re not. They are adaptations—your nervous system’s best attempt to keep you safe, based on what it learned in the past.
Trauma Is Not Just an Event—It’s What Happens Inside Us
We often think of trauma as the “big things”—abuse, accidents, war. But trauma is anything that overwhelms our nervous system or puts stress on the body and mind and leaves us feeling unsafe, unseen, or powerless.
Gabor Maté, a leading voice in trauma research, explains:
“Trauma is not what happens to you. Trauma is what happens inside you as a result of what happens to you.”
This means that two people can experience the same event, yet one walks away relatively unaffected while the other carries wounds. Why? Because trauma isn’t just about the event itself—it’s about how our nervous system processes and stores it.
For example, a child who grows up with an emotionally distant parent may not have experienced “abuse” in the traditional sense. But if their core emotional needs for safety and connection were unmet, their nervous system still registers that as danger. This child may grow into an adult who struggles with trust, self-worth, and emotional regulation—not because they “should be over it,” but because their nervous system is still wired to protect them from that early loneliness.
The Body Remembers: How Trauma Shows Up Today
Bessel van der Kolk, in The Body Keeps the Score, describes trauma as an imprint left on the body and brain. It doesn’t just stay in the past—it reshapes the way we experience the world in the present.
If we didn’t have safe, attuned caregivers, our nervous system may have learned to always stay on high alert.
If we were punished for expressing needs, we may have learned to shut down emotions completely.
If we were only noticed when we performed well, we may have learned that self-worth is tied to achievement.
These adaptations don’t just disappear because we’re adults now. Instead, they show up in ways that may not seem connected to our past at first glance:
1. Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Fawn in Relationships
Do you lash out or become defensive when you feel unseen? (fight)
Do you shut down or withdraw when conflict arises? (freeze)
Do you feel the urge to run or leave when intimacy deepens? (flight)
Do you prioritize other people’s comfort over your own needs? (fawn)
These are not character flaws—they are your nervous system’s best attempt to keep you safe based on past experiences.
2. Chronic Anxiety or Hypervigilance
If you grew up in an unpredictable environment, or had experiences where you felt unsafe, highly stressed, and out of control… your body may have learned that staying on high alert keeps you safe. Even when things are objectively fine, your nervous system stays primed for danger—leading to chronic stress, difficulty relaxing, and even autoimmune symptoms.
3. Self-Sabotage & Fear of Good Things
One of the hardest truths about trauma is that we can become more familiar with chaos than safety.
Resmaa Menakem, in My Grandmother’s Hands, explains that trauma can become a bodily inheritance, passed down through generations.
“When trauma is stuck in the body, it leads us to re-create the same pain—because it’s what we know.”
This is why someone who grew up in emotional neglect might unconsciously push love away. Or why someone who lived through scarcity might struggle to trust abundance.
Healing: It’s Not About Thinking Your Way Out
The good news? You are not broken—you are patterned.
Healing trauma is not about simply understanding it intellectually. It’s about creating new patterns—physically, emotionally, and relationally.
Some ways we begin this work in therapy:
Building Body Awareness – Learning to notice how your body reacts to stress or safety. Trauma lives in the body, so healing starts with reconnecting to it.
Regulating the Nervous System – Through breathwork, movement, and somatic work, we shift from survival mode to safety.
Rewriting Old Stories – Noticing and gently challenging the beliefs that trauma has instilled: “I am unworthy,” “I have to handle everything alone,” “I can’t trust love.”
Practicing Safe Connection – Healing happens in relationships that allow you to be fully seen and held—in therapy, in friendships, in community.
You Are Not Stuck—You Are Wired for Healing
Trauma tells us “this is just how I am.” But healing reminds us:
“This is how I adapted. And I can learn new ways of being.”
Your symptoms are not a sign of brokenness—they are proof of your resilience. The very patterns that once kept you safe can be reworked into something new. Your body remembers the pain, yes—but it also holds the capacity for profound healing.
And that healing? It’s already within you.